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The Harsh Reality of Threesomes

Posted: Jul 07 2015

The Harsh Reality of Threesomes

Threesome Can Be A Hard Reality

Everyone has a fantasy of what a threesome will be like. A mass of hot, sweaty, tangled limbs that culminates in the best sex you will ever have. Sadly, that’s not always the reality. From finding a third party to trying not to give in to you insecurities once it’s happening, threesomes can be a hard (ha!) reality. You know the 5 stages of grief? Well, here are the 12 stages of threesomes.

Reality Of Searching For The Third Party

Ok, alright. You and your partner have decided on a threesome. Surely the best place to go is the internet. It’s the 21st century, after all, and the internet is the best way to meet people for this purpose. So, you find a site, search around and bit and – realize most of the people willing to engage in threesomes with strangers are creeps with few teeth and even fewer brain cells. No thank you.

Once You Found That Someone

Once you do find someone (it’s a miracle!), you invite them over. It’s exciting and new and you are brimming with enthusiasm about what’s to come, which is hopefully you. Ever so slowly you realize that this is kind of weird. You’ve clearly not had enough alcohol for this version of truth or dare, and no one is even naked yet.

Once Your Nude

Now you’ve passed up the clothed awkward stage and planted your feet firmly in the naked awkward stage. Because now you’re naked with two other people and you’re experiencing an odd mix of ecstasy and uncertainty. Just concentrate on the nudity.

During The Threesome

It’s time for the sex. This, you’ve done before. Wait, scratch that – you’ve not done this before because you’ve never had to do it doggy style while wondering if you should or should not make eye contact with the person watching you.

If you’re the one feeling left out, you decide to just go for it and insert yourself (pun) into a sexual position that defies the laws of gravity as you try to include yourself in someone else’s missionary sex. Remember, missionaries probably didn’t have threesomes so don’t make it awkward by going against nature here.

Another reality that may rear its ugly head during this experience is that you like it. Is that bad? Is it good? Personally, I think it’s good to take yourself out of your comfort zone. I say go with it.

This may not happen to you, but you really could realize halfway through that this was all an elaborate ploy by your partner to have sex with someone else. This will probably become apparent to you as you play Candy Crush Saga on your mobile while your partner and the other person get it on in a locked room.

Your Quick Exit

After the above realization you may decide to try and make a quick exit. Gracefully and full of dignity announce that you’re leaving, and try not to be hurt that your partner and friend don’t notice.

After sitting in the other room mindlessly flipping through TV channels as you listen to sex noises, you realize it may be time to rejoin the party. You go back in, without cover, and try to figure out how to turn your new friend on.

You decide to take charge and look your partner in the eye as they’re having an intimate moment with a stranger. This works for a bit until your eye starts to twitch and your partner gets weirded out by that eye twitch and wonder if you’re trying to communicate something to them via some kind of impromptu eye twitch Morse code.

It may be natural at this stage, while you hold your partner’s hand as they bang someone else, to question your relationship. Is sex with you this good?

Did You Help Your Partner Achieve A Fantasy?

Final stage: you realize that while your partner is having fun with this new person, you are who they chose to share their life with. And that means more than a night of pleasure. Plus, you’re the best partner in the history of partnerdom because you helped your partner to achieve a fantasy. That probably makes you the living embodiment of all of their fantasies.

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