The Secret of the Female Orgasm Revealed
Posted: Jun 20 2015
Women are complicated creatures. We cry at greeting card commercials. We make noises only heard by hounds when we see a new baby. We have a week a month where there’s not enough chocolate or wine in the galaxy to satisfy our cravings. But what really separates us from men is how we orgasm. As any woman can attest, it’s often as much mental as it is physical for us. I mean, sure, I enjoy looking at Hugh Jackman, but thinking about him as Wolverine is what really gets my blood flowing. It’s the adamantium fantasy of it all that does it. That’s how women work – see, complicated!
Fantasies and Evidence
I’m not just making all of this stuff up, either. I mean, Hugh Jackman is welcome to my home anytime, but there’s scientific evidence to back up the idea that women often fantasize as a part of reaching orgasm both when they’re with their partners and alone. In fact, it was found that women who regularly reach orgasm reported having more erotic thoughts when they were having intercourse than those who did not reach orgasm regularly. Give it up for naughty fantasies!
Don’t worry, guys, it’s not that your partner doesn’t want to think about you while you’re getting it on. In fact, she may be fantasizing about you while you’re doing it, but it’s pretty clear that thinking erotic thoughts in the throes of passion will lead to a more satisfying experience for you both – so just go with it.
It’s All in the Mind
If this surprises you, you’re not alone either. Researchers really didn’t expect to find such a huge cognitive component when it came to the female orgasm. It’s not really surprising, I think, that women have to be able to focus on their bodies and sensations in order to reach climax, and that is often easier to do alone than with a partner. Again, not a surprise. If you’re worried that your booty jiggle is jiggling just a little too much, or you’re worried about how your boobs look it’s going to pretty difficult to focus on feeling pleasure and eventually reaching orgasm.
I had a bit of a revelation a couple of years ago about that, actually. I was worried about my jiggle, and the way my partner viewed it. But here’s the thing I realized – he is already well aware of my jiggle and my stretch marks and the way my boobs look and he’s in bed with me, and loving every minute of it. You really just can’t get too wrapped up in how a man is viewing your body because here’s the thing – he already knows and he’s there anyway! He’s not going to be shocked when you take off your clothes for him whether it’s the first time or the 1000th time – he likes it! He probably even likes that tramp stamp tattoo that you got in your misguided youth, too. Bless him.
Are You Orgasmic?
Anyway – back to the science. The French study in question looked at 251 women ages 18 to 67 to gather info about female orgasms. It was broken up into a group of 176 women who considered themselves to be “orgasmic” (I assume that refers to physical ability to achieve orgasms and not the way they look) and 75 women who viewed themselves as “not orgasmic”. Bummer. All the participants were sexually active and nearly 90% were heterosexual. They reported getting it on with their partners anywhere between 2 and 90 times a month (wowza!) and answered questions about emotions, thoughts and behaviors that helped them to reach orgasm.
Are You Distracted?
What the research concluded lines up with another study from 2011 and found a link between lack of erotic thoughts during sex and difficulty reaching orgasm. Again, they found that women who had more difficulty reaching the top of Mount Orgasm were distracted during intercourse by things unrelated to sex. Now, what did I do with my car keys?
As I read these results I couldn’t help but think “Well, yeah!” I mean, at any given time I have at least 25 different things going on in my head. I forget to put the cap back on the milk jug regularly. I sometimes forget to send my kid to school with lunch money. Women lead busy lives – of course, we’re distracted!
Be Mindful – of your Sex Toys
Though, if you have difficulty achieving orgasms with your partner, this research is really helpful. There’s nothing wrong with you if you can’t orgasm every time – you’re human. At least research like this can help to point women who are having trouble orgasming in the right direction. Mindfulness, which is learning to focus on the present moment, is a great tool for your orgasmic arsenal. And it’s probably useful in other areas of your life too.
There are also toys that can help make you more aware of what’s going on down under. I know I’ve mentioned Lelo more than once on this blog, but that’s because those folks are miracle workers. I’m dead serious –miracles! Their Luna beads are a great way to get you to learn to focus on your body’s sensations. Luna beads are weighted balls you put in your vagina and they vibrate in response to your body’s movements. It’s like a naughty secret of your own, and if that doesn’t get you thinking about things that feel good, I’m not sure what will! Plus, they help tobuild up the muscles in your pelvic floor and vagina, which in turn helps you to have stronger orgasms. Win!
Sometimes, too, we just need to add a little excitement to our sex lives with our partners. I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but we do tend to get in slumps when it comes to sex with another person. Predictability is no fun! So, how can you add a little spice? Lelo has a vibrator for that! The Lyla 2 is a bullet style massagerthat has a wireless remote. You see where this is going now, don’t you? Put this baby in and then go for a night out on the town with your partner at the controls, and if you’re not ready to take a trip to Orgasmville by the end of the night, I’d be surprised.
Other Factors of Orgasmic Bliss
The research about the female orgasm also points to interesting factors that can have an impact on a woman’s ability to orgasm. For one, age is an issue and probably not how you would expect it to be. It was found that younger women are more likely to have trouble experiencing orgasm than older women. Researchers think that this is because the way in which a woman orgasm is a kind of trained behavior. Enter Wolverine with no shirt on, because fantasies and erotic thoughts are totally a part of the training process for orgasms.
I suspect that part of the problem about the female orgasm is rooted in people being uneducated about the topic. Did anyone ever sit down with you at some point in your life and talk about the best way to have an orgasm? That would be kind of an awkward mother/daughter conversation, but a very useful one. Women aren’t really encouraged to explore their bodies as men do, and a lot of the pornography out there is geared towards men and their fantasies. Though, the internet has made all kind of things available to the average Mary Jane that may not have been there before, so there’s likely to be some kind of fantasy material out there for you no matter what you like. Erotic books, too, offer a lot of material – you can admit 50 Shades of Grey turned you on! I’m a fan of hunky, sex crazed werewolves, myself.
The Good, the Bad, the Misinformation
Still, misinformation about women and their orgasms exists out there. Sex researchers are trying to spread the word, though, about women and what does it for them in the bedroom. There was a Scottish study found that a woman has an easier time orgasming if her partner’s penis is larger than 5.8 inches erect. I would encourage you to test this hypothesis on your own!
Another study found that premature orgasms are very common for women, meaning women orgasm in bed before they want to – 40% of women in the study actually reported this, with 3% of them reporting it as a chronic problem. This goes back to the training aspect, because working with your body and learning how to play it will help you to orgasm how you want and when you want.
It’s no surprise that there’s been research to support the fact that sex is more enjoyable for people who listen, understand, and empathize with their partners. See my original point of women being complicated. It’s not just about playing our bodies, but playing our minds too. Work on that, people!
Fake It Until You Make It?
Some women have grown up thinking that it may just not be possible for them to orgasm every time they have sex, but this is patently false! A study from 2009 found that 11% of women orgasm every time they have sex, with another 11% reporting that they had never had an orgasm. Except in rare circumstances where there’s a physical problem, women can orgasm. So, if you never have had one, I suggest you find a partner who is willing to be patient and help you down the road to Orgasmville.
It’s a sad reality that most women have faked an orgasm or two in their lives. I can admit I have, but you know sometimes for one reason or another you’re just not going to get there. There’s so many issues wrapped up in this one, too. Women don’t want to make their partner’s feel bad but the real shocker is that men have reported faking it too and probably for a lot of the same reasons. So don’t feel too terrible unless you’re faking it every time. If that’s the case a conversation needs to happen!
Pump Up Your Orgasm?
Do you exercise? Well, a study out of Indiana University in Bloomington, Indiana found that exercise can trigger orgasms. 15% of women in the study were able to have what is called a “coregasm” while they worked out. My question is: what am I doing wrong, because I’d do a lot more at the gym if it ended up in an orgasm every time!
In the End, You’re Worth It!
So, science has just backed up what most people have known for a long time about the female orgasm: it’s complicated. There’s no other way to say it. What can you take away from all of this? Well, having an orgasm every time is nice, but if it doesn’t happen don’t be too hard on yourself. There are so many things that go into a female orgasm; you could just be having an off day. As women, we have off days! Don’t give up hope! Work with your partner, get some toys, talk and explore to find what can work for you and make your experience in the bedroom a winner every time. I’m talking to you, Hugh Jackman. Call me.