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Fifty Shades of Grey Adventures

Posted: May 21 2015

I give up a lot of things as a parent. I can’t remember the last time I used the bathroom alone. If I want to eat something and not share, I hide in order to eat it. Standing in your closet eating a candy bar is a lonely place to be, where the realities of life come crashing down on you because you are in a closet. Eating a candy bar. But one thing I never want to give up, and I shouldn’t have to, is my sexuality and as an extension of that – my sex toys. Look, my partner and I aren’t Christian and Ana from Fifty Shades of Grey or anything, but we have a collection; a collection we want to keep away from prying eyes but admittedly aren’t always successful in doing. So, what do you do?

Fifty Shades of Grey Adventures

A few years ago I was sitting in the kitchen with my infant daughter while my three-year-old was, I thought, playing quietly in her room. As any parent of a toddler can tell you, the first clue that something is amiss is when there’s silence. She ran into the room and threw something up in the air that then stuck to my ceiling. It was my jelly dildo. Or as I explained to her later, my automatic ear cleaner. I didn’t read that scene In Fifty Shades of Grey!

Then there was the time that my now 4-year-old daughter came out of the bathroom with her bangs sticking straight up from her head. She had styled her hair, she very proudly proclaimed, all by herself. With my silicone lube. I’m guessing this is a problem Ana and Christian won’t run into in their post-Fifty Shades of Grey lives…they have a whole room, after all.

If You Have Sex Toys

If you have sex toys and you have children, then at some point they are bound to find them. I don’t care if you think you’re 007 and the stealthiest of sex toy hiders – they will find it. This is why some parents are taking some drastic measures to protect their sex toy stash. False bottom drawers are a favorite in the market, as are custom compartments built into closets. And let’s not forget a secret, locked room a la Fifty Shades of Grey. I say if you can afford that then go with your bad self!

If those aren’t options for you, then there are some common sense measures you can take to protect your stockpile. For one, take the batteries out for long term storage. This way, they won’t accidentally turn on and then draw the attention of little ears -- or anyone else that may be prying (like nosey mother-in-laws). Also, it might be best to forego the toys that look like actual children’s toys. Vibrating duckies or lipsticks will need to be put on the backburner until your children are old enough not to go through your things, which I assume happens around the time they turn 35.

At The End of The Day

At the end of the day, you could always take the discovery of your treasure trove as a teaching opportunity to discuss sex and sex toys. Sex is, after all, a normal part of life and there doesn’t need to be feelings of shame surrounding it. Positive messages about sex should always be encouraged. If all else fails just remember you are their parent and any pictures you can take off your children pretending your vibrator is a neck massager should be taken and filed away in the “embarrassment for the teen years” file. Mwahahaha!

Good luck to all you parents out there. Live those Fifty Shades of Grey fantasies!

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