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What No One Tells You About Sex Positions

Posted: May 04 2015

Have you ever wondered what the first of our ancient ancestors thought the first time they had sex? Besides “this is awesome” (or whatever the prehistoric equivalent of “awesome” was), I assume there was a lot grunting and sweating involved. While we can’t go back to that first moment in time when homo sapiens got it on, I know that I’m glad they did it, that they continued to do it and that the instinct was passed on to me so that I can do it too. Sex is simply one of the best things that happened to us as a species. It’s fun, it’s good for you and there are even different sex positions to do it in. One of my favorites is definitely woman on top and I can tell you what I’m thinking when that wonder of wonderful sex positions occurs.

What No One Tells You About Sex Positions

After I’ve been doing it in a missionary or doggy style position for a while I can get tired. I’m not Superman, here; or even Clark Kent. Muscles I didn’t really know existed start to burn and even though my brain is zeroed in on the sex, there’s still a part of it doing a systems check. When the tank get low on my thrusters and the woman climbs on top, you have no idea how happy I am that we’re switching it up and she is taking over. Pretty much immediately after that is the mild freak out of “please don’t break my penis”. It’s not easy to admit but I guarantee you almost every man has thought it once, if not several times, in his life. My cousin’s husband’s sister’s boyfriend had it happen to him once, or so I’m told.

Ok, alright…so I’m doing it and she’s on top. Just know that there is no way to go too fast in this sex position. And ladies please don’t cover your boobs, they are beautiful and watching those lovely globes bounce really makes the experience of this position that much better. Leave the boob handling to me. And while we’re at it, can I declare that this angle is a fabulous perspective of a woman? Plus, I have access to pretty much everything I want to touch and grope, and I don’t have to be one of those contortionists that can rest his head on his butt from behind to do it. Winning!

Inevitably, there are some synchronization issues when it comes to the up and down movement of this sex position. It’s not a big deal, I’ve learned that having sex is a lot like dancing, and whoever is on top gets to pretty much set the rhythm. I can just lay there without judgement and let my partner figure it out. But then I worry if I’m just lying there it will be offensive to my partner and she’ll think I’m lazy. I’m not lazy, ok? I’m just really appreciating this moment in time and letting my lady do her thing.

When a woman starts to do little tricks with the movement of her pelvis, I like that. Score one point for sex position creativity! I just always really worry that my penis is going to pop out, and then I get confused about who has the responsibility to put it back in. Is there some kind of Emily Post article I can reference to find out? Maybe Dear Abby addressed it once. I should remember to google that later.

At the end of the day, ladies, you should just know that there is basically nothing you can do that is going to turn off a man while you are riding him like a naughty cowgirl. You are beautiful and desirable and since your man is having sex with you, I can guarantee he thinks so too. Hands off the boobs, though.

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